The Geek’s Dilemma

Posted in Uncategorized by antisociology on September 11, 2008

I am not sure if I should be writing this mostly because I am not sure who is going to read it. It’s something I need to say somewhere, though, and I have long gotten out of the habit of keeping a personal journal. Maybe I’ll get back to that if this comes back to bite me.

I upset someone I really like. We are going to talk about it soon, but I feel like I need to write all of this down, lest I forget it in a moment of despair and embarrassment. When I found out I’d made this particular person uncomfortable, I was confused and hurt. Perhaps most alarming was the manner in which I’d induced this discomfort. The episode turned what I thought I knew all topsy turvy.

The what and why of the matter is not so important as the how — how I came to do this thing. Some of it is a badly tuned sense of humor. What I thought were innocent flirtations were taken as something entirely different. Some of these things I said, I said because I like to help my friends. I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes have another motive, though.

People like this person I’ve upset don’t come around my life very often. With even lower probability, do they show any interest. I can count on one hand the number of people that have made feel like this person has. I want so badly to be able to make this person happy. I respect this person, and look up to them in many ways. I thought things were going well, and desperately wanted to know in no uncertain terms that these feelings were shared.

You see, I’m normally a shy, withdrawn person. Social interaction was not something that was actively encouraged by my parents. In a way, I feel like there is some social code that I was never let in on, and I have to learn it the hard way now. The point of this is that what I did, I did not with any expectation, but out of some fear that things would slip away as they have on many other occasions. I wanted this person to myself, even if just for a few moments.

So, I asked, and I asked. Sometimes in jest, and sometimes because I wanted to help. Sometimes I asked because I wanted those quiet moments alone. I asked too much. I hadn’t thought that all of these moments might have added up to a picture of me that might cause an uncomfortable feeling, but they did.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, but I’m ready to admit that I fucked up. Sort of. With some explanation.

3 Responses

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  1. Susan said, on September 11, 2008 at 4:55 am

    Hugs! Thinking positive thoughts that you can work this out.

  2. Dana said, on September 11, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    You are a good man, John. Never stop believing that.

  3. Avril said, on September 14, 2008 at 10:43 am

    just be honest

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