Antisociology

Please Send Holiday Cheer

Posted in Uncategorized by antisociology on December 17, 2008

I don’t like being a Debbie-downer. If you’d like to be spared self-loathing and other emo-ness, move along. I just don’t know where else to put this.

 

The holiday season is upon us. I actually didn’t realize until late yesterday that Christmas is next week. Most people I know have a lot of fun around this time, but it’s always been kind of a sad time for me. I love fall and winter weather, but things just always seem to go pear-shaped around this time of year. I have a lot to be thankful for. There are a lot of people in situations that are far worse than mine. I’m not in danger of losing my housing, and the employment situation looks uncertain but okay. I have heat, and I can afford to eat well.

 

Still, I can’t help but wish I had someone close. I know I’m supposed to be a complete person, fully happy with my accomplishments and my own good character. Right now, though, I just feel plain alone. Unloveable because I never learned to (show) love. I am not super-wealthy, but I’m not doing too poorly either. People at work seem to think well of what I do. To my knowledge, nobody actively hates me. What I want most, though, is to love and be loved.

 

Things didn’t work out with the girl from a few posts ago. It may have been for the best. No, it was definitely for the best. While we had a lot going for each other, I dunno that we would ever see ourselves as equals. Perhaps more importantly, the way I tried to show I cared didn’t quite mesh with her expectations as to how people care about each other. The way she tells it, things fizzled out and I never gave her any indication that I wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. To me, it was a series of unfortunate situations and complications, not to mention my own shyness and inexperience at these things.

 

I know some of these feelings are coming from seeing vague but suggestive status updates from this girl (one of the dangers of social networking sites…knowing way too much about what’s going on without you). Being in the state of mind I’m in, I can’t but help thinking she found someone else. I could be wrong. Either way, I don’t resent her for it. She works hard and deserves someone to be happy with. I won’t begrudge anyone their happiness.

 

So why not just pick up and go find someone else? Well, to be honest, people I like that much don’t come around so often. The going rate seems to be about one every three to five years. More often than not, these feelings grow out of close friendships and people seem to be skittish about going a bit further. It really does take me a while to warm up to people though. Maybe I’m too much of an engineer, but it’s shared experiences and shared tastes that draw me closer to others. Sure, there’s lust at first sight, but never love.

 

I’m not looking for someone to complete me, so much as someone to share myself with. Frankly, I’m tired of living for myself. I want that sense of connection and togetherness back. I’ve heard a lot of people say I’m a good guy or that I’d be a great catch. I don’t disagree. I like my character and don’t regret my decisions, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t usually count the chickens until they’ve hatched, but I’m nearing thirty years old and, really, there’s only been two times I’ve felt the sense of belonging and acceptance that I’m looking for. 

 

Maybe things would be better if I had a sense of direction. The last year certainly hasn’t been easy. I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my Ph.D. program, and that leave will most likely lead to an official withdrawal next year. At the same time, I’m not sure where I want my career to go. Heck, I’m not even sure how far I can go. I have a sense of not fitting well into too many different places. I don’t have the skills or experience to do hard, cutting edge computer science research, but I feel unchallenged by most of the production work that goes on out there. I mean, how many accounting systems does the world really need (no offense meant to accountants — it’s just not what I enjoy developing).

 

In high school, I wanted to be a graphic designer. This didn’t sit well with my parents, and I decided to do something else instead. They probably would have paid for a graphic arts education, but it would have made our relationship even testier than it is now (and believe me, it’s not a great relationship). Ever since then, I’ve been trying to find my own, new way through the world. It hasn’t gone like I planned. Or has it? I often forget that one of the reasons I decided to go to grad school was to have a path that I more or less owned, that I chose without regard to what other people wanted me to be. It’s paid off well, if not quite as handsomely as I would have liked. 

 

The point of that, really, is just to say that I could really use someone to be there in their whole self for me. I feel as fragile as a willow. Rooted, but buffeted by the wind. I’m not sure what I want to come out of this post. Certainly not pity. I suppose I just wanted to write it down and send it out into the ether. It needed to be written. I’ll likely dwell on these feelings for the next few weeks, but it needed to be written anyhow.

 

I hope you’re having a fine holiday season with your loved ones. Cherish them. Adore them. These days, it is easy to be ambivalent or to hate. While there is so much in the world to be angry over, don’t forget that it’s okay to be happy and to love.

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5 Responses

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  1. dana said, on December 22, 2008 at 9:01 pm

    {{{{{John}}}}}

  2. Sara Beth said, on January 2, 2009 at 3:13 am

    I know I’m commenting on this late, but trust me: you are not alone. This holiday season was hard for me for some of the same reasons, and for a lot of my friends and loved ones, too. You seem like a totally wonderful guy, and I know it’s just a simple fact that it’s inevitable that someone equally wonderful will come along who appreciates that. (Hug!)

  3. […] Drama […]

  4. lk said, on January 2, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    completely hear ya. *hugs* to you….

  5. Susan said, on January 26, 2009 at 5:49 am

    I just finally read this. Of course hugs, and of course my support in all that you do…. but… you know me, some advice as well…..

    First off, most of us don’t know what we want to do with our lives. We are successful and hanging in there, but…. Do we have it all together… no! My point is, we are all out there with you, rooted, but drifting in the breeze. 🙂 (There is an army of us! You are not alone!)

    I know someday you will find your one. The worst part is the waiting, but she’s out there. And the worst part is you can’t force it, or make it happen. It just will.

    I am sending you all my thoughts and care. You are great, and I know you find that special person. I believe that, I really do.


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